Understanding Radical Acceptance

This skill helps you stop fighting reality and find peace in difficult situations.

What is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the skill of acknowledging reality without judgment. It's about accepting life on life's terms and not resisting what you cannot change. It doesn't mean you approve of the situation, but that you accept that it is what it is.

The Goal: Reducing Suffering

Pain is a natural part of life, but suffering is optional. Suffering comes from refusing to accept reality. By radically accepting the facts of a painful situation, you can stop fighting reality and reduce the emotional suffering that comes with it.

How to Practice: Turning the Mind

Practicing radical acceptance involves a choice: to 'turn the mind' towards acceptance. This is a repeated action. Notice when you are fighting reality (e.g., 'This shouldn't be happening!'). Then, make a conscious commitment to accept it. You may have to do this over and over again.

Willingness vs. Willfulness

Willingness is about doing what is needed in a situation, flexibly and without resistance. Willfulness is the opposite; it's about trying to impose your own will on reality, refusing to tolerate the moment. Radical acceptance is the ultimate act of willingness.

Practical Steps

1. Observe that you are questioning or fighting reality. 2. Remind yourself that the unpleasant reality is just as it is and cannot be changed. 3. Remind yourself that there are causes for the reality. 4. Practice with your whole body (relaxation, half-smile). 5. Use coping statements like 'I can get through this' or 'It is what it is.'

Willingness vs. Willfulness

Understand the difference between a willing and a willful stance.

Willfulness

  • Refusing to tolerate the moment.
  • Fighting reality and trying to change what is unchangeable.
  • Thinking "This isn't fair!" or "I shouldn't have to deal with this."
  • Giving up or becoming stuck and ineffective.

Willingness

  • Allowing the world to be what it is.
  • Doing just what is needed in each situation.
  • Participating fully and acting from your Wise Mind.
  • Focusing on being effective and doing what works.

Turning the Mind: A Step-by-Step Guide

Use these steps to practice moving from willfulness to willingness.

Step 1: OBSERVE that you are not accepting.

Notice your thoughts, feelings, and body language. Are you thinking 'This shouldn't be'? Are your fists clenched? Are you arguing with reality? Acknowledge this resistance without judging it.

Step 2: Make an inner COMMITMENT.

Go within yourself and make a conscious choice to accept the reality of the situation. You can say to yourself, 'I am willing to accept things as they are.' This is a commitment to yourself, not an approval of the situation.

Step 3: DO IT AGAIN, over and over.

Turning the mind is a practice, not a one-time event. You will need to repeat Step 2 many times. Each time you notice yourself fighting reality again, gently turn your mind back to acceptance. Be patient with yourself.

Step 4: Develop a plan for catching yourself.

Think about how you will recognize when you are falling back into willfulness. What are your personal signs of non-acceptance? Plan to use this awareness to restart the Turning the Mind process when needed.

Video Guide: Radical Acceptance

Watch this video to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance.