How to Use Opposite Action

This skill helps you manage painful emotions when they are not justified by the facts.

When to Use Opposite Action

Use Opposite Action when your emotional reaction doesn't fit the facts of the situation, or if acting on the emotion will make things worse in the long run. Ask yourself: Is this emotion justified by the facts? Is acting on this urge effective? If the answer to either is 'no', Opposite Action is the skill to use.

How to Use Opposite Action

1. Identify and name the emotion you are feeling. 2. Check the facts. Is the emotion justified by the situation? 3. Identify your action urge (what does the emotion make you want to do?). 4. Do the opposite of that urge. If you feel fear and want to avoid, approach. If you feel anger and want to attack, gently avoid or be kind. Act opposite all the way.

Examples of Opposite Action

• FEAR: The urge is to avoid. The opposite action is to approach, to do the thing you are afraid of over and over again. • ANGER: The urge is to attack. The opposite action is to gently avoid the person, be kind, or do something nice for them. • SADNESS: The urge is to withdraw and be inactive. The opposite action is to get active, do something that used to bring you joy, even if you don't feel like it. • SHAME: The urge is to hide or keep it secret. The opposite action is to share what you're ashamed of with someone you trust. • UNJUSTIFIED LOVE: The urge is to pursue or fantasize about the person. The opposite action is to avoid contact, block them, and focus on building a life without them.

Opposite Action for Sadness

Follow these suggestions for managing sadness.

Sadness FITS THE FACTS of a situation whenever:

  • You have lost something or someone permanently.
  • Things are not the way you want or expected and hoped them to be.

When Sadness is NOT JUSTIFIED or NOT EFFECTIVE

Opposite Actions for Sadness
  • Get ACTIVE; approach.
  • AVOID AVOIDING.
  • BUILD MASTERY: Do things that make you feel competent and self-confident.
  • Increase PLEASANT EVENTS.
All-the-Way Opposite Actions
  • Pay attention to the PRESENT MOMENT!
  • CHANGE YOUR POSTURE (adopt a “bright” body posture, with head up, eyes open, and shoulders back).
  • CHANGE YOUR BODY CHEMISTRY. For example, increase physical movement (run, jog, walk, or do other active exercise).

Opposite Action for Guilt

Follow these suggestions for managing guilt.

Guilt FITS THE FACTS of a situation whenever:

  • Your behavior violates your own values or moral code.

When Guilt (and Shame) are NOT JUSTIFIED

Opposite Actions for Guilt
  • MAKE PUBLIC your personal characteristics or your behavior (with people who won!t reject you).
  • REPEAT the behavior that sets off guilt over and over (without hiding the behavior from those who won!t reject you).
All-the-Way Opposite Actions for Guilt
  • NO APOLOGIZING or trying to make up for a perceived transgression.
  • TAKE IN all the information from the situation.
  • CHANGE YOUR BODY POSTURE. Look innocent and proud. Lift your head; “puff up” your chest; maintain eye contact. Keep your voice tone steady and clear.

When Guilt is NOT JUSTIFIED, but SHAME IS JUSTIFIED

Opposite Actions for Guilt
  • HIDE your behavior (if you want to stay in the group).
  • USE INTERPERSONAL SKILLS (if you want to stay in the group).
  • WORK TO CHANGE the person's or group's values.
  • JOIN A NEW GROUP that fits your values (and will not reject you).
  • REPEAT the behavior that sets off guilt over and over with your new group.
All-the-Way Opposite Actions
  • VALIDATE YOURSELF.

Opposite Action for Shame

Follow these suggestions for managing shame.

Shame FITS THE FACTS of a situation whenever:

  • You will be rejected by a person or group you care about if your personal characteristics or behavior are made public.

When Shame (and Guilt) are NOT JUSTIFIED

Opposite Actions for Shame
  • MAKE PUBLIC your personal characteristics or your behavior (with people who won’t reject you).
  • REPEAT the behavior that sets off shame over and over (without hiding the behavior from those who won’t reject you).
All-the-Way Opposite Actions
  • NO APOLOGIZING or trying to make up for a perceived transgression.
  • TAKE IN all the information from the situation.
  • CHANGE YOUR BODY POSTURE. Look innocent and proud. Lift your head; “puff up” your chest; maintain eye contact. Keep your voice tone steady and clear.

When Shame is NOT JUSTIFIED, but GUILT IS JUSTIFIED

Opposite Actions for Shame
  • MAKE PUBLIC your behavior (with people who won’t reject you).
  • APOLOGIZE for your behavior.
  • REPAIR the transgressions, or work to prevent or repair similar harm for others.
  • COMMIT to avoiding that mistake in the future.
  • ACCEPT the consequences gracefully.
All-the-Way Opposite Actions
  • FORGIVE yourself. Acknowledge the causes of your behavior.
  • LET IT GO.

Opposite Action for Love

Follow these suggestions for managing love.

Love (other than universal love for all) FITS THE FACTS of a situation whenever:

  • Loving a person, animal, or object enhances quality of life for you or for those you care about.
  • Loving a person, animal, or object increases your chances of attaining your own personal goals.

When Love is NOT JUSTIFIED or NOT EFFECTIVE

Opposite Actions for Love
  • AVOID the person, animal, or object you love.
  • DISTRACT yourself from thoughts of the person, animal, or object.
  • REMIND yourself of why love is not justified (rehearse the “cons” of loving) when loving thoughts do arise.
All-the-Way Opposite Actions for Love
  • AVOID CONTACT with everything that reminds you of a person you love.
  • STOP EXPRESSING LOVE for the person, even to friends. Be unfriendly toward the person.
  • ADJUST YOUR POSTURE AND EXPRESSIONS if you are around the person you love. No leaning toward him or her. No getting close enough to touch. No sighing/gazing at the person.

Reviewing Opposite Action and Problem Solving

A detailed guide on when to use each skill based on your emotion.

Emotion Justifying Events Act Opposite to Emotion Urge (for Unjustified Emotion) Act on Emotion Urge, Problem-Solve, or Avoid (for Justified Emotion)
Fear
  • A. Your life is in danger.
  • B. Your health is in danger.
  • C. Your well-being is in danger.
  • 1. Do what you are afraid of doing . . . over and over.
  • 2. Approach what you are afraid of.
  • 3. Do what gives you a sense of control and mastery.
  • 1. Freeze/run if danger is near.
  • 2. Remove the threatening event.
  • 3. Do what gives you a sense of control and mastery of the fearful event.
  • 4. Avoid the threatening event.
Anger
  • A. An important goal is blocked or a desired activity is interrupted or prevented.
  • B. You or someone you care about is attacked or hurt (physically or emotionally) by others.
  • C. You or someone you care about is insulted, offended, or threatened by others.
  • 1. Gently avoid.
  • 2. Take a time out.
  • 3. Do something kind.
  • 4. Imagine understanding: Step into the other person's shoes.
  • 5. Imagine really good reasons for what happened.
  • 1. Fight back when being attacked, if you have nothing to lose by fighting.
  • 2. Overcome obstacles to goals.
  • 3. Work to stop further attacks, insults, and threats.
  • 4. Avoid or walk out on people who are threatening.
Disgust
  • A. Something you are in contact with could poison or contaminate you.
  • B. You are close to a person or group whose actions or thinking could seriously damage or harm you or the group you are part of.
  • 1. Move close. Embrace.
  • 2. Be kind; step into the other person's shoes.
  • 3. Take in what feels repulsive.
  • 4. See the situation from the other person's point of view.
  • 1. Remove/clean up revolting things.
  • 2. Influence others to stop harmful actions/stop things that contaminate your community.
  • 3. Avoid or push away harmful people or things.
  • 4. Imagine understanding a person who has done disgusting things.
Envy
  • A. Another person or group gets or has things you don't have that you want or need.
  • 1. Inhibit destroying other people's things.
  • 2. Count your blessings.
  • 3. Imagine how it all makes sense.
  • 4. Stop exaggerating others' worth or value.
  • 1. Improve yourself and your life.
  • 2. Get others to be fair.
  • 3. Devalue what others have that you don't have.
  • 4. Put on rose- colored glasses.
  • 5. Avoid people who have more than you.
Jealousy
  • A. An important and desired relationship or object is in danger of being damaged or lost.
  • B. Someone is threatening to take away an important and desired relationship or object.
  • 1. Let go of trying to control others.
  • 2. Share what you have with others.
  • 3. Stop spying and snooping.
  • 4. No avoiding; take in all the information.
  • 1. Protect what you have.
  • 2. Work at being more desirable to the person(s) you want to be in a relationship with (i.e., fight for relationships).
  • 3. Leave the relationship.
Love
  • A. Loving a valued/admired person, animal, or object enhances the quality of life for you or those you care about.
  • B. Loving the person, animal, or object increases your chances of attaining your own personal goals.
  • 1. Avoid the person, animal, or object you love altogether.
  • 2. Distract yourself from thoughts of the beloved.
  • 3. Avoid contact with all reminders of the beloved.
  • 4. Remind yourself of why love is not justified.
  • 1. Be with the person, animal, or thing that you love.
  • 2. Touch, hold, etc., the beloved.
  • 3. Avoid separations when possible.
  • 4. If the beloved is lost, fight to find or get the beloved back (if it may be possible).
Sadness
  • A. You have lost something or someone permanently.
  • B. Things are not the way you expected or wanted or hoped for.
  • 1. Activate your behavior.
  • 2. Avoid avoiding.
  • 3. Build mastery: Do things that make you feel competent and self-confident.
  • 4. Increase pleasant events.
  • 5. Pay attention to pleasant events.
  • 1. Grieve; have a memorial service; visit the cemetery (but don't build a house at the cemetery).
  • 2. Retrieve/replace what is lost.
  • 3. Plan how to rebuild a life worth living without the beloved or expected outcomes in your life.
  • 4. Accumulate positives.
  • 5. Build mastery: Do things that make you feel competent and self- confident.
  • 6. Communicate need for help.
  • 7. Accept help offered.
  • 8. Put on rose- colored glasses.
Shame
  • A. You will be rejected by a very important person or group if characteristics of yourself or of your behavior are made public.
  • 1. Make public your personal characteristics or behavior (with people who won't reject you).
  • 2. Repeat the behavior without hiding from people who won't reject you.
  • 3. Or, if your moral code is violated, apologize and repair; forgive yourself; and let it go.
  • 1. Hide what will get you rejected.
  • 2. Appease those offended.
  • 3. Change your behavior or personal characteristics to fit in.
  • 4. Avoid groups who disapprove of you.
  • 5. Find a new group that fits your values or that likes your personal characteristics.
  • 6. Work to change society's or a person's values.
Guilt
  • A. Your own behavior violates your own values or moral code.
  • 1. Do what makes you feel guilty over and over and over.
  • 2. Make public your behavior (with people who won't reject you). Or, if you will be rejected by others:
  • 3. Hide your behavior.
  • 4. Use interpersonal skills.
  • 5. Work to change your group's values or join a new group.
  • 1. Seek forgiveness.
  • 2. Repair the harm; make things better (or, if not possible, work to prevent or repair similar harm for others).
  • 3. Accept the consequences gracefully.
  • 4. Commit to avoiding behaviors that violate your moral values in the future.

Video Guide: Opposite Action

Watch this video to understand when and how to use the Opposite Action skill.